rain>sunshine

smoked two cigarettes, my version of chainsmoking
sleep eludes me.
No matter how hard I try
all I can think of doing is crying.
I guess I'm not trying too hard to fall asleep
considering the fact that I've turned this infernal laptop on again
I just needed to write
and I cannot for the life of me find my damned journal
I was sitting on my roof
smoking the first of my two cigarettes of the night, or more accurately, early morning,
and a few raindrops fell on my buzzing head.
I realized that
in this desert that I call home looking for the sun to shine is no big goal
I guess
the positive days,
the days worth remembering are the ones in which the raindrops fall
When I am looking for change from my monotonous life
I must look forward to the rain, not the sun.
Marshall has been gone for 3 days now,
or today will be the third,
he is due for a visit in 4 days
he'll probably be here around six at night
I wonder
is he looking forward to the visit as much as I am?
Does he really care?
When he left on the 9th, he cried.
He was genuinely sad
but, was that emotion just a fleeting one?
Is he still thinking of me
He's a gemini
very flighty and free spirited,
I'm a taurus, very grounded and emotional
I've always had this feeling that somehow I wasn't, deserving of the kinds of feelings that I have for others
is that true?
Can nobody feel for me as strongly as I do them?
Or is this just a sick game I play with myself to keep myself in check?
Do I fear somebody loving me because that would mean that I am all I think I am?
Maybe if somebody loves me for me
I'll stop striving to change myself for the better.
I don't know.
I just need to vent,
probably doesn't make too much sense.
Does it really need to?
I doubt that anyone will actually waste their time reading my endless babble anyway.
all right, and alright, have two completely different definitions, in my book.
I watched something on tv, the history channel, I guess about Nelson Mandela.
Now that is a man to admire, the Che Guevera of South Africa.
I don't know what else to write, I really don't
I guess I do.
I could probably ramble on this way for hours.
I really think that I could.
I'll try not to.
I have to wake up in 5 and a half hours, and I guess I could use the sleep for work later on today.
I would rather not sleep I guess.
I really should though.
This job takes up too many of my valuable mental and emotional resources.
I need my strength, not physically, but mentally, and emotionally, so that I don't end up pumping my brain full of lead, or my stomach full of too much xanax by the end of the week.

addiction

Today, well yesterday as of 2 and a half hours ago Marshall, my boyfriend of 2 years, and my best friend before that for 2 years moved to San Diego, I live in a small town outside of Las Vegas, so where he's moved is about a 6 hour drive from here
We've decided to go on a break until we are both done with school.
So in two more years we're planning on being together again.
Marriage? maybe...
Hopefully.
I just hate the fact that we can't go through these next two years together, helping eachother with all of the challenges we're going to face.
Now since he is gone I'm ridiculously depressed, understandably so, but I've been feinding for xanax, because when I have xanax I don't worry, or cry, or feel like crying every five minutes.
it's unhealthy for me to deal with stress this way.
I know it is but I just can't, no! I can!
But for some reason I am too lazy or weakminded to deal with my problems on my own.
I need this crutch,
this artificial happiness.
It really saddens me
I feel that my addiction to this pill will get worse because Marshall isn't here to keep me in check, or to keep an eye on me and to tell me when he thinks that I am going down a path that will lead me to rock bottom.
So I am addicted to xanax, and I am addicted to Marshall.
Atleast the happiness that I get from Marshall isn't artificial.
That happiness is genuine
the happiness of first love.
the happiness of memories that will never fade
the happiness of knowing somebody loves you as much as they love themselves.
the overwhelming feeling of someone else's happiness meaning as much to you as your own.