rain>sunshine

smoked two cigarettes, my version of chainsmoking
sleep eludes me.
No matter how hard I try
all I can think of doing is crying.
I guess I'm not trying too hard to fall asleep
considering the fact that I've turned this infernal laptop on again
I just needed to write
and I cannot for the life of me find my damned journal
I was sitting on my roof
smoking the first of my two cigarettes of the night, or more accurately, early morning,
and a few raindrops fell on my buzzing head.
I realized that
in this desert that I call home looking for the sun to shine is no big goal
I guess
the positive days,
the days worth remembering are the ones in which the raindrops fall
When I am looking for change from my monotonous life
I must look forward to the rain, not the sun.
Marshall has been gone for 3 days now,
or today will be the third,
he is due for a visit in 4 days
he'll probably be here around six at night
I wonder
is he looking forward to the visit as much as I am?
Does he really care?
When he left on the 9th, he cried.
He was genuinely sad
but, was that emotion just a fleeting one?
Is he still thinking of me
He's a gemini
very flighty and free spirited,
I'm a taurus, very grounded and emotional
I've always had this feeling that somehow I wasn't, deserving of the kinds of feelings that I have for others
is that true?
Can nobody feel for me as strongly as I do them?
Or is this just a sick game I play with myself to keep myself in check?
Do I fear somebody loving me because that would mean that I am all I think I am?
Maybe if somebody loves me for me
I'll stop striving to change myself for the better.
I don't know.
I just need to vent,
probably doesn't make too much sense.
Does it really need to?
I doubt that anyone will actually waste their time reading my endless babble anyway.
all right, and alright, have two completely different definitions, in my book.
I watched something on tv, the history channel, I guess about Nelson Mandela.
Now that is a man to admire, the Che Guevera of South Africa.
I don't know what else to write, I really don't
I guess I do.
I could probably ramble on this way for hours.
I really think that I could.
I'll try not to.
I have to wake up in 5 and a half hours, and I guess I could use the sleep for work later on today.
I would rather not sleep I guess.
I really should though.
This job takes up too many of my valuable mental and emotional resources.
I need my strength, not physically, but mentally, and emotionally, so that I don't end up pumping my brain full of lead, or my stomach full of too much xanax by the end of the week.

my mind right now

I have been stressing, stressing to the point that my body is feeling the fatigue and tension that my own brain and heart and soul carry.
My life is empty.
My life is worthless.
So why do I care so much about what happens in it?
Why does every day seem so significant.
So important to execute it perfectly.
Every word, every movement must be perfect,
and yet...
it never is,
the more I try to be perfect,
the more I strive for normality,
the farther away from it I become.
What is normal?
Should I be an empty-headed pretty face
a stick figure, anorexic psychopath
a psuedo intellectual poet
A charming witty girl
I don't know what I should be
I don't know what normal is
but I do know that it is what is expected of me
or...
am I expected to be this unique, individual?
Must I always have a witty comment on hand?
Is that how I make up fo rht efact that I am not just a pretty face
that I weigh more than 100 pounds
As I write this I glance back at what I have written, and there are so many type os why are they called type os?
What in the hell do o's have to do with it?
What's wrong with me?
There are crumbs in my keyboard.
Must be because I have to find multiple purposes for everything.
I just wish I knew what to do
Wait...
I do know what I should do
The problem is,
I can never seem to find the motivation to do it.