rain>sunshine

smoked two cigarettes, my version of chainsmoking
sleep eludes me.
No matter how hard I try
all I can think of doing is crying.
I guess I'm not trying too hard to fall asleep
considering the fact that I've turned this infernal laptop on again
I just needed to write
and I cannot for the life of me find my damned journal
I was sitting on my roof
smoking the first of my two cigarettes of the night, or more accurately, early morning,
and a few raindrops fell on my buzzing head.
I realized that
in this desert that I call home looking for the sun to shine is no big goal
I guess
the positive days,
the days worth remembering are the ones in which the raindrops fall
When I am looking for change from my monotonous life
I must look forward to the rain, not the sun.
Marshall has been gone for 3 days now,
or today will be the third,
he is due for a visit in 4 days
he'll probably be here around six at night
I wonder
is he looking forward to the visit as much as I am?
Does he really care?
When he left on the 9th, he cried.
He was genuinely sad
but, was that emotion just a fleeting one?
Is he still thinking of me
He's a gemini
very flighty and free spirited,
I'm a taurus, very grounded and emotional
I've always had this feeling that somehow I wasn't, deserving of the kinds of feelings that I have for others
is that true?
Can nobody feel for me as strongly as I do them?
Or is this just a sick game I play with myself to keep myself in check?
Do I fear somebody loving me because that would mean that I am all I think I am?
Maybe if somebody loves me for me
I'll stop striving to change myself for the better.
I don't know.
I just need to vent,
probably doesn't make too much sense.
Does it really need to?
I doubt that anyone will actually waste their time reading my endless babble anyway.
all right, and alright, have two completely different definitions, in my book.
I watched something on tv, the history channel, I guess about Nelson Mandela.
Now that is a man to admire, the Che Guevera of South Africa.
I don't know what else to write, I really don't
I guess I do.
I could probably ramble on this way for hours.
I really think that I could.
I'll try not to.
I have to wake up in 5 and a half hours, and I guess I could use the sleep for work later on today.
I would rather not sleep I guess.
I really should though.
This job takes up too many of my valuable mental and emotional resources.
I need my strength, not physically, but mentally, and emotionally, so that I don't end up pumping my brain full of lead, or my stomach full of too much xanax by the end of the week.